Rebirth

Accounting is not what I am, it’s what I do.

And if I said the opposite about writing, that it is who I am, and not just what I do, that would also make sense, right?

Not that people can’t be called to accounting, more power to you, we just wouldn’t readily understand that.  And writers could do it just for the money too, but that would be a weird career choice for someone only interested in money.

Here’s my problem. I can’t separate what I do from what I am. Maybe you’re different, but I doubt it. People become what they do. That’s why I think like an accountant.

It takes practice to train the mind to work in certain ways. What you put your attention to, grows. The wolf who survives is the one you feed.

I don’t want to be an accountant. I want to be creative, unique, authentic, honest, wise.

I wish I could go back and forth, but I can’t work all day with numbers, certainty, superficiality, normalcy, and then switch gears to the unorthodox, unconventional, and intuitive.

The only way I ever even think that I am happy as an accountant is when I can fool myself. If I keep reminding myself that I could be different, by writing, for example, that depresses me, and makes it hard to stay motivated to work.

This is why I want to finally say fuck it to accounting, and why I want to spend all the energy I can muster, whenever I can muster it, writing and reading.

I never wanted anything else. 

So, I will retire as soon as I can, which isn’t as soon as it should be. Then the accountant will be put to death. And something else will work the warren, to emerge into a new day, reborn.