331 days

I am planning on retiring. And this is my diary to countdown the days.

331 days until.

I’ve been an accountant for a long time.

It was never my intention to be an accountant long term. I needed to know myself better. And for that I needed space, and independence. I figured I had to buy my freedom. So, I got a job. Figured I would make me some money while I matured. And then I would do what I really wanted.

It was my fault I never did what I wanted. Word to the wise: You are the one that lives with the consequences of your decision, ergo, it is your responsibility to take charge, ergo if you don’t, it’s your fault. Others may fight you, but it’s on you to express yourself, to push your personal agendas and dreams. You shouldn’t blame anyone else, but if you must, then do it to take control, not in defeat and resignation and as an excuse..

On that note, I’m tired of pretending that I am someone I am not for the benefit of others. My employer actually says to the millennials, and the younger than millennials (whatever that is), that they should bring their authentic self to work. They mean come out of the closet, be open about what you need and want, be happy, and you’ll work hard. But being authentic isn’t just about such obvious things. I have coworkers who are best friends outside of work. For them, work must be like hanging out with the people you feel most comfortable with. I’m not and never have been “most comfortable” with anyone. So, I pretend. I wear a face. It’s not that I dislike the people I work with. I’ve been there, too, and I didn’t stay at those jobs, but I still put on a face at work, and even, to a lesser extent, at home.

It’s no one else’s place to tell me who I am. Not that it’s their fault. 

Ironically, I’ve often said, that I should have been an actor because I love pretending to be someone else. But that’s not as contradictory as it seems, BECAUSE fiction = truth, ya hear me? Amirite?

So, I’m looking forward to finally finding myself. It will be different than if found it young. I won’t be an actor, or write for Star Trek. I won’t have to find the right career, and that’s good and bad, good because I also won’t have to make the money. But am I too old? Let’s be honest, I don’t know. I don’t know what I could have been, probably can’t be whatever that was now. But I’m not set in my ways. I’m set in the ways that I always wanted to live, but never did. I still want that. It may look to people like I am reinventing myself, changing. But this will be (I hope) who I always was. I feel like I will have to reject what everyone knows of me and start relationships over. It may be shocking, but I like to imagine that it will all make sense to them once they see it.

I’ve told my employers that I was open to doing some contract work because a little extra money is always nice, but mostly because I feel bad taking my knowledge away and want to help with the transition (as if giving them over a year’s notice isn’t enough). I’m re-thinking that. Maybe I want to leave that person behind.

Also, because in retirement I’ll have many jobs. I’m already mapping them out, and I don’t know how I’ll have enough time as it is.


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