Even if it’s shit

Heart palpitations, broken collarbone, depression.  These are the things that are in the forefront of my life experience right now.  I know where the broken collarbone came from.  I fell on my shoulder on a ski slope at Winterplace ski resort in west Virginia.  I even know what contributes to the depression, in that I don’t write, or do the other things I say make me who I am, but to top it off, the thing that despite it all helps to keep the worst of it away, exercise, I can’t do, for 6 to 12 weeks because my collarbone is broken.  The heart palpitations are an annoyance.  They are supposedly benign, but despite the fact that coffee brings them on quitting coffee has not gotten rid of them.  I take magnesium, CoQ10 and a multivitamin and even some potassium.  I’ve basically quit alcohol, because it can bring them on, and sometimes I’ve thought it has, but really they come anyway, I’m having them right now, so probably has nothing to do with alcohol other than keeping me from enjoying it.  So I go to gatherings and not only do I have to watch other people drink I have to deal with people pushing me to drink.  “you’re winning too much at poker, let me get you a drink.”  “Want a beer?”  “What kind of bourbon are you drinking?” “You’re not drinking?  Why not?”

“I just don’t want to is that fucking all right?”

Jeez.  Like it’s not depressing enough, I need help to rationalize why I should be doing it anyway, like it’s the worst thing any or my friends could imagine.  They think they are empathizing, but they’re not.  They’re projecting.  

And my cardiologist wants me to go on statins because my cholesterol is high.  I’m not going to give into that, but that doesn’t mean I won’t take some measures to reduce my inflammation, and by proxy, my cholesterol and my BMI etc, if for no other reason to get said Cardiologist off my back, and also because being a little skinnier and healthier feels better, but it’s hard to make those improvements when I can’t exercise.  And when I don’t feel good it’s hard to do anything else. 

And I’ve been wanting coffee lately, or hot chocolate or something to make me feel good, but I can’t do those.  So, I can write, maybe. Even if it’s shit.

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2 thoughts on “Even if it’s shit

  1. My sister had a wonderful response to people who asked her why she wasn’t drinking at parties. She’d look them in the eye and say, with great conviction, “I’m not thirsty.” Anyone who pressed the point would have to concede they were pressuring her to drink purely for the purpose of getting drunk. After a certain age, that’s unseemly. Heh.
    Sorry you’re feeling lousy. I know what it’s like to want exercise and feel unable to get it. It’s demoralizing.
    g.

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  2. Thanks g. I’m starting to feel a little better. Collar bone healing. Palpitations have been less significant, maybe something is working. And have been writing more. Not much more, but steps in the right direction.

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